After my treatment had ended and my test was negative, I gathered all of my paperwork, notes and unused medication, put it away and closed the drawer. I had been given a magnified photo of my eggs, I spent hours looking at that picture. That went in the drawer too. At the time I thought, could this be the start of something special? I sent it to my Mum, I think she was going to put it in a book and start recording the journey of her grandchild. Maybe that was a mistake but I was so proud of my two eggs! It wasn’t long after that I threw it all away, everything, it meant nothing to me now. I wish I’d kept it because I can’t remember a lot of the process and I’d like to see my eggs again 😄 It feels strange as it wasn’t that long ago but you are in a weird robotic state, it feels like it happened to someone else?
If you had asked me at the time I could tell you how many follicles had grown and my FSH reading, the measurements of each one and how many on each ovary, my oestrogen levels and how many air bubbles I flicked out of the needle on day three! Your mind plays clever tricks on you, it can shut out certain parts of your life, hide them away. It can pick and choose what you remember and twist the memory until it is something you don’t recognise. I can hardly remember any of it now?
It felt like a long time to get going and start the treatment. Running alongside my appointments for blood tests and scans, my husband also had to wait for a procedure called PESA. In laymans terms (urban dictionary), this is a nice big needle going into ones testicles to get some of those swimmers. Now, I know men haven’t got a high pain threshold but I did feel for him having to go through this. Mind you, he played on it enough afterwards! This was a key part in the treatment and he came up trumps (not literally). My husband has super sperm! I think they actually referred to it by this name? I did contemplate buying him a personalised cape!
Before I started the treatment and collected my meds, I had to attend a class on the ward alongside seven other women. I didn’t know any of them and I didn’t recognise anyone from ‘The Waiting Room’? We were all going through the same thing but no one spoke, just the usual glancing at each other and the making up of stories in my head! This class was a practice session to show you how to inject yourself with the necessary meds. We each had our own desk, a bit like school but worse! The desk was laid out for each individual with lots of needles, small glass bottles, water and a plastic pin cushion that was pink and made to look like skin which was then strapped around our legs. I found this all quite amusing, until I started to try and take in the enormity of this task, wait no, responsibility. Basically, the onus is on you to get it right. Talk about pressure, so much to remember. Now listen, this bit is important. Make sure you flick each bottle, some liquid might be stuck in the top and you need to get it all in your needle, 30mls of one bottle to be drawn out with your needle and mixed with water and a funny little tablet thing in another bottle. Make sure the needle has no air bubbles when you are injecting yourself as this can cause blood clots! Don’t put the needle right in, just three quarters of the way at an angle. The same time twice a day, it is imperative it is at the same time. Really, I just thought I took a few tablets and the sperm got shoved in somewhere?
I left a bit shell shocked and made my way to the on site pharmacy. I handed the sheet over with my long list of required medication. I took a seat and waited. A lady come bustling from behind the counter and past the crowds towards me and shouted, are you the lady who is waiting for the IVF medication, you need to go to the other pharmacy. So now everyone knows I am barren, thanks for that bitch face!!! Off I trundled to ‘the other’ pharmacy. I was handed two full carrier bags full of my medication and a sympathetic look. I felt like saying, it’s not even for me so don’t look at me like that. I have ten kids you know! Defensive, another feeling that materialised.
When we finally set a date to start it was November 2014, I had now turned forty two. I was going onto a short protocol, this is treatment over four weeks that included medication, injections and scans to monitor your progress. In a nutshell, they use medication to stimulate your ovaries to collect as many good eggs as possible, it is more technical and invasive than this and you are poked and prodded and scanned to see what you have to start off with and how you are responding to the medication. It is perfectly timed and your cycle is taken over and controlled from day one. I feel like I have watered it down but I could literally write three pages of how the treatment works and that would be condensed. It’s all very interesting at the time!
One thing I must make clear is the amazing support I received from all of the team. A fantastic job is done by all. I felt like I was the only woman in the world going through this and they made me feel like I was the most important patient they had ever had.
Women describe it as a roller coaster ride and it really is. You look for signs, try and read the body language of the nurses and the sonographer every time you come in for a scan or an appointment. You worry that you haven’t injected yourself properly or did I take my oestrogen tablet last night? You go from sheer elation believing this can really happen, looking at baby clothes and picking cots and prams, to waking up in the dead of night feeling sick with worry and fear of it not being successful. You can’t say anything out loud in case it comes true or people think you are getting a bit ahead of yourself. I remember falling to my knees on occasions in despair just wanting someone to give me a sign. I dreamt during the treatment that I had a boy, I could see him and he was so real. Maybe this was a sign?
My treatment started out positive, took a nose dive and then peaked at the end. The day of egg collection has arrived. I had an indication of what to expect and it wasn’t great, well not as great as I had hoped but once again, about normal for my age. I couldn’t do anymore, they had thrown everything they had and more at me, the results were in…..
AJ x
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