I remember when I was a child wondering where babies came from? I used to think I would wake up one morning and my baby would be sitting on the end of the bed, waiting. A bit like Christmas Day when lovely things just appeared. I knew my belly would get bigger because babies grew inside your belly. That was fine though as it would go down again. I was very young and innocent when I thought this! I can’t say if I was maternal when I was younger? Caring yes but maternal, I’m not sure? Is caring and being maternal the same thing? I used to drag my dolls around by the hair, my Mum gave up buying them for me. I much preferred my teddys.
Everyone always said, you would make a great Mum, you deserve it. I don’t deserve it, I want it? I know I’d make a good Mum, it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen though does it. I know people meant well but sometimes I wanted to scream at them. I want to carry on my legacy. I want someone to need me, look up to me, be part of me, call out for me in the middle of the night. That’s the bit that’s missing, that’s the bit that hurts.
I look a lot like both of my Aunties on different sides of the family, at different stages in my life. I remind my Dad of his Sister so much, we both have that ruthless streak once we start. My niece is a mini me with her personality and definitely her sense of humour. I look at my husbands two boys and how much they are both like him in different ways. I love it when you see a picture of little ones and the parents look exactly like them at the same age. I’ll never have that, I’ll have no one to remind me of me. Who will talk about me when I’m gone? There will be no part of me to carry on or remember?
It felt like I had waited all my life for this phone call. My hand was physically shaking when I answered and my mouth was dry. I could feel my heart beating in my throat, that’s the exact moment I knew I was going to be heart broken if this didn’t work and a rush of fear shot through me like lightning. It was another moment when I wanted to go back to the beginning and forget ever starting this process.
I was in a dazed state, I couldn’t quite take in what she was saying. My golden eggs had survived and were doing exactly what they are supposed to. I was told to come back in the following day and they would be put back in their rightful place. I felt an ache and I was desperate to have them back, they needed me, they needed to be home.
The next two hours passed quickly in excited calls, husband first, then the parents and my close friends. Everyone had been waiting and the responses were thick and fast. Well done, told you so, I’ve got a good feeling, you only need one good egg and on it went. I felt positive and started to believe this was going to happen. It was the right time and everything was falling into place.
Right, back to looking at prams. I hadn’t changed my mind, I still wanted the same pram I had seen a friend with and now I was price matching on different websites!
The procedure to put my golden eggs back in didn’t need an anesthetic and was quicker than the retrieval. I was a bit dissapointed about this as it was precious cargo and I wanted to make sure they were stored correctly. Hubby stayed on the ward while I went in, I was back within 10 minutes. Is that it, no grand ceremony for the homecoming? I felt a bit deflated and nervous that they hadn’t inserted a plug, what if the eggs fell out when I stood up? I was told to go home and rest for a few days, don’t over exert myself and carry on as normal. Carry on as normal? I can’t even pee. Well, I could but didn’t want to in case they decided to slip out. It’s a natural feeling, although impossible for it to happen due to the nature of where they were now resting! I had a little vision in my head of them snuggled up under a duvet, comfy and warm. That’s what I done when I got home, snuggled under my duvet. I went straight to bed to give them a chance to settle in. I was scared to move!
So, the two week wait begins. I think I saw every minute of everyday for two weeks. You try to carry on as normal but it is, was, impossible. It became a daily routine of obsessive behaviour, every ache, cramp and pain was a sign. I googled whatever it was, whenever it happened. I joined chats and forums of women who were going through it at the same time or had been through it. I had incredible highs and intense dreams but the lows were low and almost unbearable. I took to patting my stomach quite a lot and talking to it, like you talk to a plant when you want it to grow. I done everything I could to encourage my little babies.
I was back in work and still had a week to go. A few people knew so when I disappeared to the toliets and came back looking like a panda, they didn’t look my way for fear of setting me off again. Others looked warily and probably thought ‘she’s at that hormonal stage in her life’, steer clear! I functioned day to day but I don’t know how? My husband looked after me and wouldn’t let me exert myself. It was a great excuse not to do any cleaning or ironing and for once, I didn’t feel guilty everytime I looked at the growing pile of clothes. This would be my life from here on in anyway so I’ll get used to it now. I won’t have time to do the ironing when I’m a Mum.
I was told not to test early as the result wouldn’t be definite so best to wait until the actual day. Yeah right, I’d bought four tests and I was going to use all of them! I decided to test a day early, who wouldn’t? I’d had different symptoms over the last two weeks and scrutinised and discussed every single one of them until I was Blue in the face. You just want someone to give you answers, not one hundred reasons why this could be happening. Why can’t someone just tell me it’s all going to be fine? Nothing major had occurred, I hadn’t lost any blood so that was good, I knew my eggs were still at home.
I’m annoyed to say I can’t even remember the date I first tested. Why would I though? It wasn’t significant and besides I had wiped it all from my memory. I woke up at 4 o clock and held on until 5 o clock. I knew my husband was awake but we said nothing. I ran into the bathroom quickly and left hubby in bed. I done the test so quick, almost too quick and closed my eyes. I opened them quickly again, nothing was happening, no plus sign just a single Blue line. I should have listened, it was too early to test. I got back in bed, I didn’t react I just said, it’s negative.
I had to go to work. I was on the brink of collapsing in a heap but I started my usual routine, drove to work, walked across the car park like every other day and sat at my desk. I would test again tomorrow when I was supposed to and everything would be okay. It had to be.
AJ X
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