9. Every end is a new beginning.

Tomorrow came, then the next day and every other day after that arrived as normal. Everyday was the same for me for a long time. What I should have been feeling was pain, loss, sorrow, anger, confusion, jealousy and lots of other emotions? Or so they say.  What I actually felt was emptiness, nothing. How can you feel nothing?

I was offered counselling when I attended my last appointment. You talk about the treatment and they tell you everything went as planned but no guarantees are offered. I know that, so what was the point in going over old ground again and again. It was done, dusted and over. I wanted some normality back in my life so I carried on as normal but I didn’t feel the same, I felt different. I didn’t look or act different but I somehow felt different.

A date I do remember is Wednesday the 23rd of December 2015. I was invited to a 50th birthday party and it was fancy dress. I didn’t drink that night but I got into the spirit and dressed up along with everyone else and we had a great night. I drove my friend home afterwards, she asked me in for a cup of tea. I declined but she insisted. For the next two hours I could barely speak through my tears, for some reason this was the time I felt I could talk. It came out of nowhere, I didn’t plan it? I don’t think I had realised or at least acknowledged how utterly miserable I was and how much I was struggling.

i kept everything locked inside for a long time. I still wouldn’t accept counselling today if it was offered, I have always self counselled. It may not be the right way to do things but it’s the way I do things. It may take time but I’ll always come back fighting, harder and stronger that’s who I am. I have my parents to thank for that.

I want to thank my husband, family and friends for all the amazing support I received and have received since I started treatment. I realise this wasn’t just my journey, all of the important people who I love were on this journey with me. A light has been switched back on and I have started to enjoy my life and look forward rather than back. A big part of this was leaving my job, something I had wanted to do for a long time but worried about financial security and trusting my own capabilities. I have faced many things in my life and I am still here. I am learning to live with it, just like you learn to live with all adversities you face in your life. I feel excited about the future and we will be look at other options when we are both ready.

Writing this blog (or story) has really helped me personally and let me clear my mind of everything I was feeling. I wrote this for me but I have realised since,  it has reached many people, in many different ways. I am glad it has helped some people to understand or come to terms a bit with their own infertility fears and feelings. The feedback I have received  has been heartbreaking at times but more importantly positive. People have said ‘never give up’. If you know me, you will know I never give up on anything, I am starting another new and exciting chapter in my life.

Turn your own page and start to create new memories.

AJ X