It happened again last night. I am trying to get out of a small space. I don’t know how I manage to get it in the space in the first place? Always dark, always small and always quiet. I’m always alone. Sometimes I am walking down steps and seem to find my way into the space. Most of the time I am already in the space but then I can’t seem to get out?
A sense of panic and then fear. I always manage to get out or wake myself up. The same dream, over and over again. I’ve had this dream since I was small, it has never gone away. I have tried to make sense of it. It happens when I am sad, it happens when I am happy. It happens a lot?
Is it normal to take 20 minutes to get out of the door everyday. Well, I am a woman, always multi tasking, so yes? I mean physically have your bag on your shoulder ready to go with your foot out of the door. Hang on, the taps are running, the straighteners are still plugged in. I can’t find my silver ring that I haven’t thought about for months but suddenly it enters my head. I turn out every drawer and all of the little pretty little boxes I have. I can’t stand mess. I won’t rest until I have found it. Now I am feeling sick to the stomach and reduced myself to tears. I have to find it. I am frustrated and stressed. If I check that door handle one more time I’ll scream!
Sitting in silence for hours. Waiting for nothing. Listening to nothing. Feeling nothing. It’s exhausting. Eating but not tasting. Listening but not hearing. Laughing but not feeling joyful. Hurting but not feeling pain. This is normal right?
I was born confident. Might sound a bit arrogant but it’s true. My parents will agree. I packed a plastic bag full of teddy bears at a very young age and tried to escape out of the front door. It was my life after all wasn’t it? Destroying my bedroom at the age of three because I didn’t want to go to bed. Naughty or willful? Not sure how I managed to pick up my bed and drag it across the room but I did. The same way I managed to pick a grown man up off the floor and get him up 34 steps for the best part of nine years when he was blind drunk and practically comatose, because I had to.
I’m 45 this year. I have always been a deep thinker. Lately more than usual. I find my mind wandering and thinking about my life up to this point. I have made some mistakes and wasted so much time. I find myself getting angry, mainly at myself. I’ve had a few knocks, the last one being the worst. Hasn’t everyone though? I’ve always felt this way though. The knocks are just part of how my life is mapped out. I’ll be rewarded at the pearly gates. Love that saying, I wonder what I will be rewarded with. Another chance at life?
I have been described as so many things. Complicated, a closed book, an open book, amazing, hard, strong, emotional. I get thoughtful thrown around a lot. Reliable, trusting. Too trusting. Guarded. Generous. My character is so contradictory that some people don’t get me. Others say I am so straight you know completely where you stand. I’d agree with all of this. I can be so kind, thoughtful and loving. I’d give you my last penny and the clothes off my back. I hate seeing people struggling or suffering. Then there is the side that won’t forgive, can be outright nasty and cut you dead with words. On occasion, no words are spoken but the silence is deafening. I expect people to act a certain way, to be loyal. Double standards maybe?
My journey has begun now. I am on my own counselling session to find out who I really am? I am sure the things that have happened in my life have shaped me in some way but also, in the words of lady Gaga “Baby I was born this way”.
It’s going to be a long journey full of truth, honesty, laughter, tears, despair and facing up to a few demons along the way, I’m think I am finally ready to accept who I am and to embrace it.
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