We were told from the outset that we would have to pay for fertility treatment. I think most people assume your first attempt is free, not in our case. We didn’t fall into the NHS criteria, even though it would have been physically impossible for us to conceive naturally. We were outside the age group for this part of the UK. Some areas go up to the age of forty two, not Plymouth. We did get all of our blood tests free though and we had a lot!
Now we had the added pressure of financing the treatment. It wasn’t clear cut for me, I knew the odds were against us, it sounds stupid, even selfish and greedy but £7k is a lot of money to get no return on. It would and did make a huge dent in our savings. Yes, it is only money but was I really at the point of wanting a baby that much to risk wiping out our savings for nothing? Yes, of course I was.
Sitting in the waiting room was very surreal, it was busy, a few couples and one lady sat opposite us. You start to make stories in your head about people and why they are here. We all sat glancing at each other, no one spoke, I think our eyes said it all. I felt bad as one couple were quite young, what is their story? Then again, they had something on their side that I didn’t, time. My biological clock was ticking away, I could hear the tick tock everyday! I thought about the woman sat on her own, she looked happy, had it already worked for her and was she here for her latest scan? I got annoyed, she had done it, she could sit there looking smug! Poor woman, I’d ripped her to shreds already. These are feeling that were new to me, I didn’t do jealousy, I don’t understand it and I wasn’t born with that emotion, I just wasn’t. It has now surfaced and continued to do so for a long time. I hate it! ! Nevertheless, I was pleased that she looked older than me, I didn’t feel so bad now. If she can do it, so can I!
You may or may not notice, I refer to I and not we a lot. My husband was with me every step of the way but IVF is a very lonely journey, at least that’s how I felt, rightly or wrongly? It was my body, my journey and my feelings. I didn’t have time to consider how everyone else felt about this, I had to focus on me.
Leading up to the first consultation, I wanted to feel positive but I began to feel resentful. From the beginning, I blamed myself for being in this position. I had previously been in a long relationship and knew it wasn’t going anywhere. It took me a long time to make a decision to end it but nearly ten years of my life had gone. I was so angry with myself. I had now found my future husband, I was happy and I wanted to bring our baby into this world and now I have fight for it, no natural progression here. Robotic and clinical all the way!
When we met Sue, our IVF ward sister, she filled me with so much hope and told me to stay positive. I came out of our first consultation and skipped all the way home. It was all still a bit confusing, charts, indicators, timelines, medication and more questions than answers but I could see a tunnel, it was a dim light but I could definitely see a light at the end. I started to read up about the treatment we would start, it was called ICSI.
‘Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) differs from conventional in vitro fertilisation (IVF) in that the embryologist selects a single sperm to be injected directly into an egg, instead of fertilisation taking place in a dish where many sperm are placed near an egg’
This was all a bit technical, I tried to break it all down into manageable chunks. I had waited so long for this. Now it’s here, it’s all moving so fast. I did have reservations about starting the treatment. Like anything new, it’s the fear of the unknown. I felt sick with worry and excitement.
The next step was telling people, I had to choose carefully when doing so. No disrespect to anyone but you need the right type of people around you when facing this. I told my close family and friends and my employer. The support I received was invaluable and much needed. Most times I was able to compose myself and talk through and explain things, sometimes I couldn’t look people in the eye, the words stuck in my throat, they still do.
I started a journey I could not stop, I had to at least try. Everything is in in place. I don’t like the answers to some, well most of my questions. No certainty, no guarantees. Fate is mentioned a lot, as is the word relax!!
Here we go then….
AJ x
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